What I Am Most Thankful For

Thanksgiving in particular is a hard one for me. The holidays like I mentioned in my last post are enough to put a lot of people in a funk, but Thanksgiving for me has always been the holiday to do it.  

The other night as I was laying in bed not sleeping because I cant escape my thoughts, I was listening to my hubby snore while we snuggled. I had a pinch me moment and remembered all the times throughout my child hood that I was again not sleeping but thinking. 

When I was younger I would turn towards my wall and pretend that I was somewhere else. I figured it was just a blank wall so the background, my surroundings, and my life could be whatever I wanted it to be. 

There were so many times as a child that I wished for someone else's life. Its not because I didn't have the latest barbies or the cutest clothes because I did. I just generally didn't feel like a part of my family. Ever since I can remember I felt this underlining lack from my family. I felt misplaced, judged, misunderstood, and frustrated with the people who claimed to "love me". Starring at the wall in my current life I was reminded of this little imaginary trick when I was younger. 

November 26, 2003

I come home from school to find my Grandma in my kitchen probably making some kind of oatmeal (which is what she's famous for in my book). I love her oatmeal. My dads no where to be found and my moms at work.

Later that night before bed my mom gathers our family around our coffee table in our living room. We're told that my dad has left. After that everything became a blur. I don't even remember what was said after that. 

I go to bed that night, starring at the wall. Thinking. Sick in my own thoughts.

What did we do? What did I do? I don't understand? I have to get him back? What can I do to get him back?

My younger sister is in the background snoring. I stare at the wall. I remember thinking that I was going to fix this. I didn't know their marriage was going down hill for years before this. Sure I remember fights and arguments, I remember my 11th birthday being destroyed because of their equally bad attitudes. I remember plenty of times not feeling truly loved by either one of them. I am sure thats what both of them felt from the other. But I didnt understand why my dad would just leave, and the day before Thanksgiving. I went to bed late that night starring at my wall feeling completely abandoned. 

November 2008

My moms re-married, we live in a big over sized house that her and my step dad built together, although I never felt me and my sister were welcome there.

This house is filled with confusion, loneliness, denial, and materialism. I haven't talked to my mom in what feels like forever. I am in 10th grade, in a brand new area saturated by teenage girls who hate us. This was their territory and my part of the family was a disruption. My family stopped going to church after my parents divorce, my older siblings had there fair share of rebellion, and me and my younger sister got a kick out of saying swear words around them because it pissed them off. So my family was "evil".

School was hard. Blending two families that have completely different personalities and view points didn't work. We weren't able to talk about our emotions or our feelings. We were just moving on.

I am sleeping all day because its easier. Im not going to school because its easier. I am stuck in my room watching "The Holiday" on repeat because Jude Law made me happy. Thanksgiving is Thursday.

Tuesday 11/25 I get a knock on my door. I answer and my mom is there with 3 police men, my sister, my aunt, and a few garbage bags. She tells me to pack my things. Throws garbage bags at me and comes pushing into my room making all sorts of assumptions. She had found out I had been secretly visiting my dad. I was sick of not having a parent in my life that didn't give a shit and I wanted things to be resolved. I wanted to understand and be understood. My dad had bought me a phone so that we could communicate.

She tells me to pack my things. I ask what I need to pack. She doesn't tell me. I knew the drill. My mom had asked for a favor from her "friend" cops before. These were buddies of hers just like the time she drove me up on a school night to Primary Children's Hospital to be drug tested and "talked to". She used cops periodically to intimidate me. She wanted me to stay at the hospital over night. I remember over hearing my mom fake crying to the doctors saying I was dangerous. She was worried about her family. 

I thought I was her family.

Being misunderstood was something I was used to at this point. Although it still bugs me. I was 16 and attempting to deal with issues from when I was 11. No one wanted to do it. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, angry, and confused. I was told over and over again that we were moving on. We weren't talking about it.

We lived in a rich neighborhood and went to church every Sunday. We were normal. We were trying to be normal. But I still had feelings. I couldn't just move on like my mom pretended to do. I wasn't interested in drowning my pain with denial and drugs. 

All I wanted was to develop a relationship with my dad who I hadn't seen in 5 years. The little teenage rebellion I had was piercing my nose and skipping school to hang out with my dad. 

Its Tuesday 11/25. Thanksgiving is Thursday. I am driving with my mom, my aunt, and my sister down to southern Utah.

We pull up to a place called Falcon Ridge Ranch. We go into the office and my moms chatting with everyone. No emotion. Everything's fine. I go into someones office and I am asked a variety of questions. They take numerous photos of me because I cant hold still long enough for them to get me in focus because I am shaking and crying. I don't understand whats happening. I don't understand what I did wrong. 

We stand outside to say goodbye. I hold my older sister trying to explain that this shouldn't be happening. Its not fair, and I don't deserve it. I tell her to see through my mom's bullshit. She hugs me crying. I can tell she feels bad. But she doesn't understand the grande scheme of things. None of us do. 

All I felt was abandoned. I felt like I was someone else's problem because my mom didn't want to do it anymore. 


Thanksgiving. A day to be around your family. Your loved ones. And to be thankful. I remember my first night at Falcon. Laying there on whats essentially a pad, looking at the ceiling fan and wondering if it would actually do anything if I jumped at it. Obviously not. But maybe the physical pain would take away some of the emotional pain. I remember laying there closing my eyes wishing I was somewhere else. 

TODAY!

There have been numerous times in my life that I wished I was where I am now. The other night while I was laying there listening to Josh snore while we snuggled. I looked at the wall and had a pinch me moment. I had made it. I am safe. I am happy. And I am not alone. This was what I wished for all those years before.  

This Thanksgiving is going to be different. I am learning that these moments in life are just experiences. I am grateful for the experiences I have been through and I am grateful that I got through them. I am grateful for Josh. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to celebrate this Thanksgiving. 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

-Magnolia Rose

Honest Blog Rant & September Yoga Challenge!

I have always admired those bloggers out there that are openly honest and true to their readers. Not only because it takes balls to admit to the world that your life isnt as great as your instagram may lead on to be, but because it helps me when I can relate to what there writing about. News flash! My life isnt all smiles and rainbows!

Its been 11 years since my parents divorce and I am still working through my shit. Even through all my wisdom that life and the ranch has so lovingly given me I am still 22 years old. I am still maturing, growing, and learning. Sometimes I need to remember that just because I have been through a lot doesn't mean I should or need to have it all figured out. I think that's one of the joys of life ;)

DISCLAIMER: This blog post might be all over the place.

I have been on what you could call a spiritual and emotional "journey". Religion isn't really my thing but connecting to my spirit and my soul seems to be an underlining topic that keeps coming back to me over and over again. It reminds me of the quote from Albert Einstein.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Well I feel a little insane. I am at a place in life that feels stagnant and lonely. I feel like being in touch with my emotions has always been a good thing when it comes to the eyes of a therapist but sometimes life has a way of making you feel shitty about being self aware and in touch with them. I believe it's because communicating and really being in touch with your emotions is viewed as a weakness in today's world. Its stupid really.

I think we all need to remember that we are human beings with feelings and there is nothing wrong with our feelings. They are ours and they are there for a reason, and that reason is OK.

I am aware of my feelings, my emotions, my tendencies, my strengths, my weakness etc...Its communicating them to the right people, the necessary people, and in a safe place that I struggle with. Lately I just haven't expressed them because it feels like to much work. This is where my issue is. Not expressing myself is causing a disconnect between me and my emotional self. Its shutting me off and making me feel sort of numb.

Imagine a cup that someone is pouring water into. If you aren't taking water out or drinking it as fast as someone is pouring it in, it is going to over fill.

I feel over filled. I feel overwhelmed. I am exhausted in every way and sleep doesn't do anything. My body is so overwhelmed that physical issues have started to join in on the fun and it is no longer just an emotional thing.

Even with all this going on I cant even begin to express how grateful I am for the self awareness my therapy over the years has provided for me. Because of this I am able to notice this disconnect and do something about it. I believe that being aware of this allows the universe to provide opportunities for me that will benefit me if I pay attention.

So being open and trying to remain positive I of course found myself last week at Dancing Cranes ironically during their psychic fair. I got another reading from Denise which was again awesome and lots to chew on. Had an awesome conversation with my sister and have committed to a yoga challenge for the month of September. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube is one of my favorite Yogi instructors. She says...

"Yoga is really the art of waking up. Getting back to the true you. It can be that simple. Yoga offers up a way for us to see a world that is working for you instead of against you."

I love that! She also talks a lot about setting an intention and keeping things real and organic. So that is what I am doing...I am setting an intention to create a connection between me and my spirit/soul through yoga. By doing this I am hoping I can find some inner strength to work on the emotional emptiness going on inside me. I am hoping to connect with others who feel like I do and who believe in some of the same stuff I do. I am looking for emotional healing and want to find a safe place within myself and/or a community of people where I can openly express whats in my heart and work through what I need to work through.

I am doing yoga EVERYDAY during the month of September. My sequences will be shorter on the weekends but I am still doing it every day. I am participating in Erin Motz 10 min "Bad Yogi" Challenge as well as #fallintobackbends on instagram. Along with the 10 min with Erin and a picture everyday for the instagram challenge I am doing a 30-60 min yoga sequence with Adriene on YouTube.

I am sure I will share more as the month goes on. Heres to becoming emotionally, spiritually, and psychically balanced.

Much Love to all of you! NAMASTE!

-Magnolia Rose