Recreating myself in motherhood

Motherhood....What a title!

Being Leo's mum is truly an honor and a gift. I absolutely love our beautiful daughter! She is the love of my life and I cannot believe I get the honor of being her mother. She is the best example of pure love and joy. I feel incredibly lucky.

Motherhood flows so naturally for me now - now being the key word. It feels so perfectly comfortable and authentic, I love it! I feel like I have been her mama forever, we've just been waiting for life to line up. And now she's here, my little girl, the love of my life, the light at the end of the tunnel. 

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Heres the thing....Like most moms, postpartum was hard. I really struggled when Mason went back to work. Its hard being alone with all of the uncontrollable thoughts, hormones, sleep deprivation, isolation, no adult interaction and a little one demanding the world. 

I craved Masons affection and desperately needed some love. We had officially been dating a year when Leo was born and I really struggled with the foundation of my relationship during the weak, sleep deprived, insecure moments.

There are so many elements of your life that get shaken when you have a newborn. Although Mace and I have a magical relationship my insecurities came to the surface and made me question my role in both of their lives. I began to be filled with fear and I projected my past onto the present. 

During those sensitive, weak, insecure times filled with anxiety, confusion, hormones and again...sleep deprivation - I really just needed some love, some time and some rest but that all felt impossible which was frustrating. Looking back now I understand that I needed to be pushed to the ultimate limit to be able to handle the tougher times moving forward with grace.

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After having a baby your chemistry is different and your hormones are wonky. Your priorities shift and your entire life essentially changes.

With all the change, you are a bit different, your relationship is different and theres this little person that depends on you 100% of the time for everything. In the beginning it is so overwhelming and difficult to find the "perfect" balance of taking care of yourself, your relationship, the house, your career and your little one. 

I really struggled with that "perfect" balance, and relied heavily on the mamas before me for support. I hope me sharing my vulnerable thoughts will be of some benefit to you, like there experiences were for me.

After a complete mental breakdown I met with my midwife, I just cried during my visit and felt horrible for not truly loving it all.

We had a really great chat, she let me know it was ok and shared her experience along with many other moms who felt the same.

She prescribed me at least 5 hours of sleep every night, 10MG of Celexa and told me to do something that was for me, something I was passionate about. I needed to rediscover myself and find the me in motherhood. 

Mason and I talked when I got home and he just held me. He has been really great about communicating with me and inspiring me to find my way rather than just doing it for me or allowing me to feel helpless. 

We decided to start hiking every weekend and spend hours up in the mountains to unwind and just play. I pushed through the exhaustion during the week and started taking Leo out and about as often as I could. We spent time with family and friends, went to the park, took daily walks, sat on the deck, etc...Any excuse to get out we took it. 

I stopped breastfeeding because it caused A LOT of stress. It was incredibly painful and frustrating - I refused to feel guilty about it. Breastfeeding is a personal decision that worked better for our family. 

I began to adjust to the lack of sleep and over time Leo and I had our routine down. Mason was helping me get at least 5 hours every night and eventually Leo started sleeping through the night!

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My attitude changed over time and things got better every day. It began to feel natural and easy. As she started making noises and smiling things started to get really fun.

Everyday began to feel like an adventure with my baby girl! I fell in love with her curiosity for life and as she observed the world I observed her. I began to feel so inspired by her outlook on everything. Its fascinating watching someone learn to live AND love every minute of it. 

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By 3 months we had a bad ass routine, she was sleeping 6-8 hours through the night and it was time for me to go back to work.

I struggled with the decision to go back, it made my sad because I loved our time together. She had been with me for 3 months + the 9 she was in my tummy. How the hell was I going to go the whole day without seeing her? 

At that time I had become so obsessed and dependent on her energy, her love and her smiles. My life had become all about her. The struggle changed to being without her for longer than 30 min.

I laugh at how much change occurs within just a short 3 months. At first I resisted motherhood, now I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't know how to be without her. 

I ended up going back to work and it has been a really good balance for us. I love my job and I adore my co workers, I feel so accomplished and supported at work. It has been great!  

Mace and I are closer than ever, we communicate well and we confide in each other a lot. We make a great team and I am really proud of my family.  

We still have the occasional sleepless night, typical relationship fights and rough days from time to time - but things are solid and most days I feel really great!

The magic of motherhood to me is pure selflessness matched with a strong sense of self. Its being able to surrender fully and push past the exhaustion to give everything to someone else. Its being an example of strength, grace, and love. To be that for her is an honor. 

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I have grown and matured so much in just a short 5 months and I know I have a lifetime of blossoming ahead of me. 

I have taken steps the last few weeks to find the "me" in motherhood. Creation and creativity is crucial for my happiness and I have now successful found a good balance...

I can be Leo's mama, Masons babe, and Magnolia Rose. EACH is possible.

Although we have come to an end with this post I will NEVER stop recreating myself.

This is just the beginning and I feel so optimistic and ready! 

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For all you new mamas out there struggling with postpartum...be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, get outside, communicate with your loved ones, love your baby with everything you can and just do your best everyday. I promise there will be a day where you feel like you have a balance. 

Being a mom is tough but it is so rewarding and women are so truly amazing. 

Send me a message if you need support, I am here for you.

I love you and am sending each of you all amazing vibes!!

Much love! 

-Magnolia Rose

July - August - September with LOVE

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To start off I just want to say thank you. My blog is my journal and having a safe space to share, express, and vent in a beautiful, creative way means so much to me.

So THANK YOU! 

I often flip back to old blog posts and reflect on how much my world has changed. Its nice to have so much of it documented. 

I think this is a big part of why I ALWAYS want my creative space to be an unfiltered, honest, and authentic form of expression. Yes the photos and the videos are edited but the content is real and always will be. 

So thank you for being apart of my forever evolving journey. You mean everything to me. 

As usual I have an update video on my YouTube channel that comes with product reviews. The blog post contains a bit more detail with pictures, I treat it more like a journal. Continue reading and/or check out the video below! 

So. Hi, its been a while. Most of my blog posts these days are update posts. But my life is also always updating. I have gotten really good at adapting, I feel like a chameleon! 

The last 2 years have been the most chaotic, life changing, difficult, and beautiful years of my life. I have grown A LOT and my life has made a complete 180 (for the better). I never imagined it would turn out this way and I would be where I am today. 

I think its natural to not see the light at the end of the tunnel when we are in the midst of our struggles but believe me when I say there is in fact a light. Everything has a way of working itself out. We all have a choice to let chaos destroy us and bring us down OR embrace it and let it be an awesome opportunity to reevaluate, grow, evolve, and make changes.

This summer in particular has cemented the process of trusting the unknown, letting go, and learning to live in the mystery. I have learned that the more I let go and not attempt to control everything the more of what I actually want manifests. 

This way of thinking can be difficult. But in all reality we really don't have control, we might think we do, but we don't. Many difficult times in combination with a shit ton of self awareness, a complete shift in my attitude, and a crazy amount of acceptance as well as forgiveness has cemented this way of thinking into my being. But more on that later...

Ultimately these are things I have been practicing for years, but this year I finally let go and amazing things started happening. And the beautiful thing is that as the chaos continues (because it does) I get more tools in my toolbox! 


"The purpose of this glorious life is not simply to endure it, but to soar, stumble, & flourish as you learn to fall in love with existence. We were born to live & to love, not to merely exist" - Becca Lee


- JULY - 

Meet Masons dad. Gary and I were actually buddies before Mason and I were. I love Gary, we are kindred spirits and have the most epic conversations. Truthfully I love every one of Masons immediate family members. Our families are so much alike it always feels very homey and comfortable. 

Beginning of July we attended a pretty rad wedding. Personally I think these pictures are hilarious, Gary makes every event more fun! 

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At this time we were renting out an overpriced gloomy basement bedroom complete with frequent girl drama, out of control parties, and ridiculous arguments. When I first moved in I didn't realize our roommates would present our first taste at parenting. 

Although the environment was incredibly stressful it brought Mace and I closer together - we realized pretty quick that we share the same tolerance level to petty bullshit. 

At this time I was ironically taking a communication workshop on having difficult conversations. The coach guided me through a few difficult scenarios and conversations, he really helped me accept that some people choose to stay stuck and thats ok. It was a great reminder that everyone is on their own path/journey and sometimes there is literally nothing you can do but accept where they are at and removing yourself from the situation is the best thing you can do.

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Also. Bowser is the most incredibly example of making the most of crazy situations. We really should all strive to live life more like our dogs. 

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On a very regular Tuesday after work our lives changed massively. We were headed to the grocery store and I told Mason I hadn't been feeling very good. I was also supposed to start my period that week and I was in need of tampons. He suggested maybe getting a pregnancy test instead, which we did. 

After 6 positive tests we realized we were pregnant! 

The rest of the month we were both pretty dazed by the whole thing. Naturally we went through the denial phase, the overwhelmed phase, and finally the acceptance/excitement phase. It was a very crazy rest of the month. We are both very excited and have been making preparations for parenthood ever since. 

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I am 14 weeks on Monday, baby is the size of a mouse and sucking the life out of me. I have had the worst morning (24/7) sickness and the fatigue is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I throw up most meals and the anti nausea meds keep me nice and constipated. 

My boobs are just now starting to feel normal even though they have doubled in size and my nipples have tripled. No stretch marks yet, but everything is growing - I feel like I've completed an intense ab work out without the pay off of the actual abs.

I can smell EVERYTHING which is both a blessing and a curse. My nails have never looked better and my skin is super dry/sensitive. 

Peeing is my new favorite hobby and I am always uncomfortable. Tasks like loading the dishwasher, walking up the stairs, and sitting at work are totally exhausting. 

Everything is amplified when you are pregnant, I basically feel like an over sensitive super human.  

Honestly pregnancy is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is rough! The symptoms are mad real and unlike anything I have ever experienced. Baby making is a miracle yes, but this is also the reality of what is happening and not all of us feel like a goddess during the first trimester or ever/at all. Some of us are warriors that just have to power through taking it day by day doing the best we can. 

I think there is a genuine pressure to not talk to about the symptoms or express how overwhelming being pregnant actually is. Having shitty symptoms doesn't change how I feel about my actual little one but it does suck ass not being able to eat and ending up in the emergency room because of said symptoms is never fun.  

I think its important to remember that every one is different and what one person experiences is not going to be what another experiences. This goes for pregnancy as well as parenting. Comparison and judgment is natural but also silly. I think this is something that women experience in general, but holy shit its intense when you are pregnant. 

Shout out to all my fellow sisters out there! We power through a lot and our bodies really are incredible.

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- AUGUST - 

August 18th I hit 24! Mason spoiled me with flowers, hippie soap, and a really beautiful amethyst stone necklace. We took a trip up the beautiful Utah mountains and jammed to music, snuggled, and ate Pb&Js. 

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My vegetarian days are over. I NEVER thought I would crave a hot dog again but pregnancy changes you. Its definitely not the best meat choice but with my body needing more protein I have caved in to the meat craving and now eat meat in moderation. 

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My sister Anj moved to San Jose for a really great job opportunity so we threw a big family brunch at my brothers house. It was a blast!

My aunt drove up from Cedar City, my mom and I reunited after a 5 year gap in our relationship, and Mace was able to connect with my crazy family. We all have a brunch addiction so we enjoyed breakfast, coffee, and drinks combined with epic conversation. Obviously I didn't participate in the drinks but seeing Mace take shots with my brother was rad. 

I love my family, each and every one of us have had the most ridiculous struggles throughout the years. We have each mastered the art of chaos and self discovery. These peeps are the most sarcastic, wise, intuitive, creative, compassionate, and strong individuals I know. I am so proud of my resilient family and how far we've each come individually and as a family. 

After our family brunch my mom and I ended up having an 8 hour conversation about the past. It was really healing and we both were able to express ourselves freely with no judgement. We gained mutual understanding and have since that time started getting to know each other essentially from scratch. 

Its been a missing piece in my life for the last 5 years. We ended our relationship when I was 18 so obviously lots has happened and lots has changed for both of us. It has been really great getting to know her and having her energy back in my life. 

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- SEPTEMBER - 

My "Self Love Sunday" spa night has started up again. I just recently made a trip to Lush so stay tuned for an epic Halloween haul coming soon....

Also, Rosy Cheeks is my favorite Lush mask. 

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This basically brings us to today, we have moved to a 2 bedroom apartment in a lovely community. We are surrounded by trees, ducks, old people, and dogs. Its totally peaceful and gorgeous. We have a bad ass deck Bowser hangs out on and we just bought a bunch of brand new furniture that we hang out on. 

Its perfect for where we are at in our lives right now. The safe, secure, and settled feeling is great and something I have been longing for. 

This also marks my 3rd move in the last 5 months! High fives for change!

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I hope you all had a great summer and are enjoying this yummy fall weather.

Thanks for being here, supporting me, and staying with me on my journey.

I know I dont know each of you personally but I mean it when I express my love and appreciation for you. This platform is everything to me and it wouldnt be the same without you. 

I will be doing a giveaway when I reach a 1,000 on YouTube! Make sure to go SUBSCRIBE if you haven't already!

And make sure to follow me on social media! I am all over the place and check in frequently on SnapChat

 


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Much love to you, 

-Magnolia Rose