Recreating myself in motherhood

Motherhood....What a title!

Being Leo's mum is truly an honor and a gift. I absolutely love our beautiful daughter! She is the love of my life and I cannot believe I get the honor of being her mother. She is the best example of pure love and joy. I feel incredibly lucky.

Motherhood flows so naturally for me now - now being the key word. It feels so perfectly comfortable and authentic, I love it! I feel like I have been her mama forever, we've just been waiting for life to line up. And now she's here, my little girl, the love of my life, the light at the end of the tunnel. 

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Heres the thing....Like most moms, postpartum was hard. I really struggled when Mason went back to work. Its hard being alone with all of the uncontrollable thoughts, hormones, sleep deprivation, isolation, no adult interaction and a little one demanding the world. 

I craved Masons affection and desperately needed some love. We had officially been dating a year when Leo was born and I really struggled with the foundation of my relationship during the weak, sleep deprived, insecure moments.

There are so many elements of your life that get shaken when you have a newborn. Although Mace and I have a magical relationship my insecurities came to the surface and made me question my role in both of their lives. I began to be filled with fear and I projected my past onto the present. 

During those sensitive, weak, insecure times filled with anxiety, confusion, hormones and again...sleep deprivation - I really just needed some love, some time and some rest but that all felt impossible which was frustrating. Looking back now I understand that I needed to be pushed to the ultimate limit to be able to handle the tougher times moving forward with grace.

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After having a baby your chemistry is different and your hormones are wonky. Your priorities shift and your entire life essentially changes.

With all the change, you are a bit different, your relationship is different and theres this little person that depends on you 100% of the time for everything. In the beginning it is so overwhelming and difficult to find the "perfect" balance of taking care of yourself, your relationship, the house, your career and your little one. 

I really struggled with that "perfect" balance, and relied heavily on the mamas before me for support. I hope me sharing my vulnerable thoughts will be of some benefit to you, like there experiences were for me.

After a complete mental breakdown I met with my midwife, I just cried during my visit and felt horrible for not truly loving it all.

We had a really great chat, she let me know it was ok and shared her experience along with many other moms who felt the same.

She prescribed me at least 5 hours of sleep every night, 10MG of Celexa and told me to do something that was for me, something I was passionate about. I needed to rediscover myself and find the me in motherhood. 

Mason and I talked when I got home and he just held me. He has been really great about communicating with me and inspiring me to find my way rather than just doing it for me or allowing me to feel helpless. 

We decided to start hiking every weekend and spend hours up in the mountains to unwind and just play. I pushed through the exhaustion during the week and started taking Leo out and about as often as I could. We spent time with family and friends, went to the park, took daily walks, sat on the deck, etc...Any excuse to get out we took it. 

I stopped breastfeeding because it caused A LOT of stress. It was incredibly painful and frustrating - I refused to feel guilty about it. Breastfeeding is a personal decision that worked better for our family. 

I began to adjust to the lack of sleep and over time Leo and I had our routine down. Mason was helping me get at least 5 hours every night and eventually Leo started sleeping through the night!

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My attitude changed over time and things got better every day. It began to feel natural and easy. As she started making noises and smiling things started to get really fun.

Everyday began to feel like an adventure with my baby girl! I fell in love with her curiosity for life and as she observed the world I observed her. I began to feel so inspired by her outlook on everything. Its fascinating watching someone learn to live AND love every minute of it. 

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By 3 months we had a bad ass routine, she was sleeping 6-8 hours through the night and it was time for me to go back to work.

I struggled with the decision to go back, it made my sad because I loved our time together. She had been with me for 3 months + the 9 she was in my tummy. How the hell was I going to go the whole day without seeing her? 

At that time I had become so obsessed and dependent on her energy, her love and her smiles. My life had become all about her. The struggle changed to being without her for longer than 30 min.

I laugh at how much change occurs within just a short 3 months. At first I resisted motherhood, now I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't know how to be without her. 

I ended up going back to work and it has been a really good balance for us. I love my job and I adore my co workers, I feel so accomplished and supported at work. It has been great!  

Mace and I are closer than ever, we communicate well and we confide in each other a lot. We make a great team and I am really proud of my family.  

We still have the occasional sleepless night, typical relationship fights and rough days from time to time - but things are solid and most days I feel really great!

The magic of motherhood to me is pure selflessness matched with a strong sense of self. Its being able to surrender fully and push past the exhaustion to give everything to someone else. Its being an example of strength, grace, and love. To be that for her is an honor. 

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I have grown and matured so much in just a short 5 months and I know I have a lifetime of blossoming ahead of me. 

I have taken steps the last few weeks to find the "me" in motherhood. Creation and creativity is crucial for my happiness and I have now successful found a good balance...

I can be Leo's mama, Masons babe, and Magnolia Rose. EACH is possible.

Although we have come to an end with this post I will NEVER stop recreating myself.

This is just the beginning and I feel so optimistic and ready! 

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For all you new mamas out there struggling with postpartum...be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, get outside, communicate with your loved ones, love your baby with everything you can and just do your best everyday. I promise there will be a day where you feel like you have a balance. 

Being a mom is tough but it is so rewarding and women are so truly amazing. 

Send me a message if you need support, I am here for you.

I love you and am sending each of you all amazing vibes!!

Much love! 

-Magnolia Rose

A Safe Place...

Because of lifes latest hiccups I haven't really been in the mood to create, ANYTHING. I have made an appearance here and there on the internet but for the most part i've been absent for the last few months. The inspiration, motivation, drive, passion, and thirst for creation just hasn't been there. I think everyone needs some form of expression and/or creation to be happy. I need it to function.

Along with the lack of creativity, I have also experienced some technical difficulties in the YouTube department. After multiple iMovie hiccups and eventually it deleting ALL of my content, I downloaded a free trial of Final Cut. Which worked great until my free 30 day trial was up and I realized it was $300 to continue. For now I have to work with what I have (iMovie) and start over. 

In fear of running into the same issues i've deleted iMovie and reinstalled it. I think (I hope) I figured it out. As of now its downloading all of my Disneyland footage from our anniversary trip. It said it was going to take 4 hours to import, so whilst its taking its sweet time I decided to take a look at my blog. 

As i'm here, checking it out, looking at how i've branded myself, and ultimately looking at ME at my very best self. I had a really great "feel good" moment. Ive really done an awesome job at creating this space on the internet that represents who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to share with the world. Of course my blog has its imperfections but thats part of what makes it perfect and thats part of what makes it me. So as I toured my own blog, read my about me, updated my faqs page, and looked at my past content it gave me a "sense of self" that felt really good.

I think when life gets shitty its easy to lose yourself in all the chaos. And then from there its easy to feel even shittier about loosing yourself in the chaos. Its a vicious circle of shit and chaos. 

I've felt so incredibly lost the last few months that I haven't wanted to do anything but escape via World of Warcraft or by sleeping. Which is a great distraction from the chaos but as we all know life goes on and eventually you have to go back to being a normal functioning human being. This also means facing your struggles. 

Having things (like my blog) in life that help ground you, get you back to who you are or who you want to be, and remind yourself of your accomplishments, your dreams, your goals, etc...are what makes the chaos in life feel a little better. Or at least it does for me. I realized today that my blog does that for me, and for that I am grateful.

I had always wanted to start a blog. I wanted a place to express myself freely in hopes that it could be a landing spot for others. I want to be that positive person in someones life that lifts them up and inspires them. I want to share my stories, life experiences, and opinions with my readers and I would love it if it helped someone (ironically when they are feeling like I am now). Until today I never really thought of my blog, my writings, and my space doing that for me. I guess thats what makes this kinda special.

Its nice to know that my blog will always be here, its my space to be me. Its safe, creative, fun, expressive, passionate, sarcastic, and here always for YOU and for ME. 

Much love as always 

-Magnolia Rose