Words

As many of you know, 2015 was a complete shit storm. It has been one of those topics I have really struggled talking about. I've given up on editing my 2015 year end video. 

March 2015 was where it all started. We have come full circle and I finally feel like I can breathe again. With the closing of a very difficult chapter and the beginning of a new one I will share what I feel comfortable with sharing. 

So for those wondering what the fuck happened last year and for my future self when I am in need of a kick ass reminder of how strong I am, heres the sweetened version I am comfortable sharing. 

April 19th my sweet grandmother left this earth, she was taken from us too soon & in the worst way. The month leading up to her death she was kept isolated from her family. That was a struggle. Since her death its been the worst nightmare. 

My grandma was the best influence in my life, she was both a mother and a father to me. She took me in when I had no one, she taught me to drive, took me to school, and was the greatest example of unconditional love. I miss her everyday. 

With all sorts of drama in court along with the chaos of my life, the grieving hasnt even really been explored. Denial is about the only thing I can handle until things settle down for me to take a break. 

June 9th I lost Josh. Nothing is worse than being committed to someone who isn't committed to you. 

I learned that I had been living in an illusion for three years with this person I didnt even know. I was abandoned by my husband in 2012 and didn't even know it. The last three years was a lie. Our bond was a lie. Our relationship was a lie.

Over the summer months I had mono and spent my time mostly sleeping. I was totally isolated trying to protect him from his own embarrassment. I was unable to talk to anyone about what was going on with my relationship. 

August I realized that I needed to switch jobs. I was working part time so I could focus on my blog and my YouTube channel. I promised myself that if by March 2016 shit wasn't different I was moving on. The year mark of when shit first hit the fan just made sense to me. I got a full time job in September so that IF I needed to support myself I could. 

November 5th I was hospitalized. Stress really does fabulous things to your body. While laying in the hospital looking at this total stranger and having plenty of time to ponder what the fuck had happened to my life I had accepted that things were never going to be the same again. I realized I no longer felt the same for this person that I had committed to and that I really just didn't want to be alive anymore. I had lost the two most important relationships just months from each other. I was totally miserable and totally alone. 

December I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. After my trip to the hospital, medication was something that needed to be explored. My Dr suggested starting me on Celexa. For those that know me, I have always taken a really natural approach to my healthcare so the whole process was really intimidating but so far my experience has been absolutely wonderful. 

The holidays were a great break for me. It was a month of great distraction. The meds had kicked in enough that my panic attacks had stopped, I was sleeping and eating again, and with the break from work I was able to really re charge my battery. 

January as usual had a great momentum and Josh and I had a really great month.

But then March came...and nothing but me had really changed.

Meds and hope for something that doesn't exist can only last so long. You cant make someone change. And there had been that year mark in the back of my mind. I had already lost myself in someone and had put aside my morals and fully abandoned my self in the process. There is no way I could continue down that path. I have no desire to continue to sacrifice myself for someone stuck in their own bad habits. 

By March the universe was literally pushing me to move on. Everyday felt like I had been sitting in an over crowded claustrophobic airplane with sweaty people that dont shower and babies crying for far too long. I wanted off of this plane ride BAD. 

I spent so much time in prayer asking for guidance and signs clinging to my spirituality for strength to leave. The amount of support I received was completely insane and totally overwhelming.

At this time, I was also participating in the May Cause Miracles challenge of replacing fear with love. That book really put shit into perspective for me. Fear is what kept me in my relationship, it was the only thing we really had in the end. Josh and I got together when we were just babies, we grew up together, we "needed" each other. Our passion was fed by survival. 

Between my commitment to self love and happiness, the consistent love and support from the universe, and that book - I ruled out the fear of moving on and leaving him. By the end of March I officially said goodbye to my husband. 

So divorce wise...We are having a very civil divorce because that is what we both are committed to. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be if we hated each other. Splitting everything, dividing debt, selling our house, and completing paperwork is difficult enough. I am grateful that Josh and I (despite our differences) still care about each other and want the other to find happiness. 

We have definitely had our ups and downs throughout this process, I think its natural to let yourself go a little crazy when you no longer have any commitment or desire to make things work. But we're keeping it civil. 

I have moved out to a lovely home with the best roommate you could ask for. Ive got a deck to do yoga on, my room is complete with the very best vibes, and I have so much love and support. I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.

I have been through a lot but I refuse to play the victim. Life is an opportunity and I am grateful for everything I have been through. It is all part of my growth on my personal journey.

And that my cute friends is my drama. 

Much love, 

-Magnolia Rose

What I Am Most Thankful For

Thanksgiving in particular is a hard one for me. The holidays like I mentioned in my last post are enough to put a lot of people in a funk, but Thanksgiving for me has always been the holiday to do it.  

The other night as I was laying in bed not sleeping because I cant escape my thoughts, I was listening to my hubby snore while we snuggled. I had a pinch me moment and remembered all the times throughout my child hood that I was again not sleeping but thinking. 

When I was younger I would turn towards my wall and pretend that I was somewhere else. I figured it was just a blank wall so the background, my surroundings, and my life could be whatever I wanted it to be. 

There were so many times as a child that I wished for someone else's life. Its not because I didn't have the latest barbies or the cutest clothes because I did. I just generally didn't feel like a part of my family. Ever since I can remember I felt this underlining lack from my family. I felt misplaced, judged, misunderstood, and frustrated with the people who claimed to "love me". Starring at the wall in my current life I was reminded of this little imaginary trick when I was younger. 

November 26, 2003

I come home from school to find my Grandma in my kitchen probably making some kind of oatmeal (which is what she's famous for in my book). I love her oatmeal. My dads no where to be found and my moms at work.

Later that night before bed my mom gathers our family around our coffee table in our living room. We're told that my dad has left. After that everything became a blur. I don't even remember what was said after that. 

I go to bed that night, starring at the wall. Thinking. Sick in my own thoughts.

What did we do? What did I do? I don't understand? I have to get him back? What can I do to get him back?

My younger sister is in the background snoring. I stare at the wall. I remember thinking that I was going to fix this. I didn't know their marriage was going down hill for years before this. Sure I remember fights and arguments, I remember my 11th birthday being destroyed because of their equally bad attitudes. I remember plenty of times not feeling truly loved by either one of them. I am sure thats what both of them felt from the other. But I didnt understand why my dad would just leave, and the day before Thanksgiving. I went to bed late that night starring at my wall feeling completely abandoned. 

November 2008

My moms re-married, we live in a big over sized house that her and my step dad built together, although I never felt me and my sister were welcome there.

This house is filled with confusion, loneliness, denial, and materialism. I haven't talked to my mom in what feels like forever. I am in 10th grade, in a brand new area saturated by teenage girls who hate us. This was their territory and my part of the family was a disruption. My family stopped going to church after my parents divorce, my older siblings had there fair share of rebellion, and me and my younger sister got a kick out of saying swear words around them because it pissed them off. So my family was "evil".

School was hard. Blending two families that have completely different personalities and view points didn't work. We weren't able to talk about our emotions or our feelings. We were just moving on.

I am sleeping all day because its easier. Im not going to school because its easier. I am stuck in my room watching "The Holiday" on repeat because Jude Law made me happy. Thanksgiving is Thursday.

Tuesday 11/25 I get a knock on my door. I answer and my mom is there with 3 police men, my sister, my aunt, and a few garbage bags. She tells me to pack my things. Throws garbage bags at me and comes pushing into my room making all sorts of assumptions. She had found out I had been secretly visiting my dad. I was sick of not having a parent in my life that didn't give a shit and I wanted things to be resolved. I wanted to understand and be understood. My dad had bought me a phone so that we could communicate.

She tells me to pack my things. I ask what I need to pack. She doesn't tell me. I knew the drill. My mom had asked for a favor from her "friend" cops before. These were buddies of hers just like the time she drove me up on a school night to Primary Children's Hospital to be drug tested and "talked to". She used cops periodically to intimidate me. She wanted me to stay at the hospital over night. I remember over hearing my mom fake crying to the doctors saying I was dangerous. She was worried about her family. 

I thought I was her family.

Being misunderstood was something I was used to at this point. Although it still bugs me. I was 16 and attempting to deal with issues from when I was 11. No one wanted to do it. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, angry, and confused. I was told over and over again that we were moving on. We weren't talking about it.

We lived in a rich neighborhood and went to church every Sunday. We were normal. We were trying to be normal. But I still had feelings. I couldn't just move on like my mom pretended to do. I wasn't interested in drowning my pain with denial and drugs. 

All I wanted was to develop a relationship with my dad who I hadn't seen in 5 years. The little teenage rebellion I had was piercing my nose and skipping school to hang out with my dad. 

Its Tuesday 11/25. Thanksgiving is Thursday. I am driving with my mom, my aunt, and my sister down to southern Utah.

We pull up to a place called Falcon Ridge Ranch. We go into the office and my moms chatting with everyone. No emotion. Everything's fine. I go into someones office and I am asked a variety of questions. They take numerous photos of me because I cant hold still long enough for them to get me in focus because I am shaking and crying. I don't understand whats happening. I don't understand what I did wrong. 

We stand outside to say goodbye. I hold my older sister trying to explain that this shouldn't be happening. Its not fair, and I don't deserve it. I tell her to see through my mom's bullshit. She hugs me crying. I can tell she feels bad. But she doesn't understand the grande scheme of things. None of us do. 

All I felt was abandoned. I felt like I was someone else's problem because my mom didn't want to do it anymore. 


Thanksgiving. A day to be around your family. Your loved ones. And to be thankful. I remember my first night at Falcon. Laying there on whats essentially a pad, looking at the ceiling fan and wondering if it would actually do anything if I jumped at it. Obviously not. But maybe the physical pain would take away some of the emotional pain. I remember laying there closing my eyes wishing I was somewhere else. 

TODAY!

There have been numerous times in my life that I wished I was where I am now. The other night while I was laying there listening to Josh snore while we snuggled. I looked at the wall and had a pinch me moment. I had made it. I am safe. I am happy. And I am not alone. This was what I wished for all those years before.  

This Thanksgiving is going to be different. I am learning that these moments in life are just experiences. I am grateful for the experiences I have been through and I am grateful that I got through them. I am grateful for Josh. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to celebrate this Thanksgiving. 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

-Magnolia Rose