Words

As many of you know, 2015 was a complete shit storm. It has been one of those topics I have really struggled talking about. I've given up on editing my 2015 year end video. 

March 2015 was where it all started. We have come full circle and I finally feel like I can breathe again. With the closing of a very difficult chapter and the beginning of a new one I will share what I feel comfortable with sharing. 

So for those wondering what the fuck happened last year and for my future self when I am in need of a kick ass reminder of how strong I am, heres the sweetened version I am comfortable sharing. 

April 19th my sweet grandmother left this earth, she was taken from us too soon & in the worst way. The month leading up to her death she was kept isolated from her family. That was a struggle. Since her death its been the worst nightmare. 

My grandma was the best influence in my life, she was both a mother and a father to me. She took me in when I had no one, she taught me to drive, took me to school, and was the greatest example of unconditional love. I miss her everyday. 

With all sorts of drama in court along with the chaos of my life, the grieving hasnt even really been explored. Denial is about the only thing I can handle until things settle down for me to take a break. 

June 9th I lost Josh. Nothing is worse than being committed to someone who isn't committed to you. 

I learned that I had been living in an illusion for three years with this person I didnt even know. I was abandoned by my husband in 2012 and didn't even know it. The last three years was a lie. Our bond was a lie. Our relationship was a lie.

Over the summer months I had mono and spent my time mostly sleeping. I was totally isolated trying to protect him from his own embarrassment. I was unable to talk to anyone about what was going on with my relationship. 

August I realized that I needed to switch jobs. I was working part time so I could focus on my blog and my YouTube channel. I promised myself that if by March 2016 shit wasn't different I was moving on. The year mark of when shit first hit the fan just made sense to me. I got a full time job in September so that IF I needed to support myself I could. 

November 5th I was hospitalized. Stress really does fabulous things to your body. While laying in the hospital looking at this total stranger and having plenty of time to ponder what the fuck had happened to my life I had accepted that things were never going to be the same again. I realized I no longer felt the same for this person that I had committed to and that I really just didn't want to be alive anymore. I had lost the two most important relationships just months from each other. I was totally miserable and totally alone. 

December I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. After my trip to the hospital, medication was something that needed to be explored. My Dr suggested starting me on Celexa. For those that know me, I have always taken a really natural approach to my healthcare so the whole process was really intimidating but so far my experience has been absolutely wonderful. 

The holidays were a great break for me. It was a month of great distraction. The meds had kicked in enough that my panic attacks had stopped, I was sleeping and eating again, and with the break from work I was able to really re charge my battery. 

January as usual had a great momentum and Josh and I had a really great month.

But then March came...and nothing but me had really changed.

Meds and hope for something that doesn't exist can only last so long. You cant make someone change. And there had been that year mark in the back of my mind. I had already lost myself in someone and had put aside my morals and fully abandoned my self in the process. There is no way I could continue down that path. I have no desire to continue to sacrifice myself for someone stuck in their own bad habits. 

By March the universe was literally pushing me to move on. Everyday felt like I had been sitting in an over crowded claustrophobic airplane with sweaty people that dont shower and babies crying for far too long. I wanted off of this plane ride BAD. 

I spent so much time in prayer asking for guidance and signs clinging to my spirituality for strength to leave. The amount of support I received was completely insane and totally overwhelming.

At this time, I was also participating in the May Cause Miracles challenge of replacing fear with love. That book really put shit into perspective for me. Fear is what kept me in my relationship, it was the only thing we really had in the end. Josh and I got together when we were just babies, we grew up together, we "needed" each other. Our passion was fed by survival. 

Between my commitment to self love and happiness, the consistent love and support from the universe, and that book - I ruled out the fear of moving on and leaving him. By the end of March I officially said goodbye to my husband. 

So divorce wise...We are having a very civil divorce because that is what we both are committed to. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be if we hated each other. Splitting everything, dividing debt, selling our house, and completing paperwork is difficult enough. I am grateful that Josh and I (despite our differences) still care about each other and want the other to find happiness. 

We have definitely had our ups and downs throughout this process, I think its natural to let yourself go a little crazy when you no longer have any commitment or desire to make things work. But we're keeping it civil. 

I have moved out to a lovely home with the best roommate you could ask for. Ive got a deck to do yoga on, my room is complete with the very best vibes, and I have so much love and support. I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.

I have been through a lot but I refuse to play the victim. Life is an opportunity and I am grateful for everything I have been through. It is all part of my growth on my personal journey.

And that my cute friends is my drama. 

Much love, 

-Magnolia Rose

What Happened to VLOGMAS WK 3?

Oh boy. I am bummed to say that Vlogmas wk 3 was a bit of a fail but I am grateful to be taking some much needed time to blog about why.

I shared what I had filmed on my YouTube channel along with some news I am in no way ashamed of. 

Week 3 of December I was diagnosed with depression. Not only did I not want to spend time editing my events from that weekend but the medication I am now taking came with some not so fun symptoms the first week or so. YouTube was put on hold to take care of my health whilst my body (and mind) were going through some adjustments. 

It is something I have accepted and something I am working on. I will continue to remain open about it because there is no shame in any of it. Many of you reading this struggle with anxiety and/or depression. I am with you, I understand you, and I feel for you. 

I have struggled with anxiety for the last few years on and off. Panic attacks, serious social anxiety, and living in constant fear was something I had become "used" to. Although its never really comfortable I had accepted it and foolishly put it on the shelf to deal with later. 2015 pulled one over on me and took my anxiety to greater heights because I refused to deal with my issues and many unfortunate events took place that pushed me over the edge.  

It was no longer something I struggled with from time to time. Anxiety became the norm, feeling comfortable became uncomfortable. I had become so used to living in such an anxious state of mind that even when nothing crazy was actually happening externally, it was internally.

2015 was a wake up call in many ways. One of the biggest realizations I had was that I have spent the last 3 years ignoring my intuition. My belief is that when you ignore your mind, body, soul, etc...your body starts to yell at you louder and in different ways to get your attention. For me it manifested itself with more and more anxiety, weekly panic attacks, a very expensive trip to the hospital, insomnia, and my body going some days without eating. 

Not a healthy or happy way to be living. 

2015 was the wake up call that I needed. I am making much healthier choices, listening to my inner guide, connecting with my spirituality, and making many strides to better my life and my surroundings. 

I apologize for not getting VLOGMAS WK 3 out on time but I know you all will be understanding. 

If you want to check out what I did film click > HERE

In other news, I have been working on my 2015 year end video. Its not fun to edit but I know one day I will be glad I put it together. 2015 was bittersweet and I am so ready to leave it behind. I dont know when it will be completed, hopefully soon. Its incredibly painful but its also incredibly healing. So we will see what happens with it. TBD.

I will also have my 2015 year end thoughts coming to you in blog form sometime this month.  

So stay tuned! 

Much love to all of you. I hope you all know how much I appreciate and adore you. My subbies are so incredible, many of you have checked in with me and I cannot tell you how much that means to me. 

XOXO,

-Magnolia Rose