Motherhood....What a title!
Being Leo's mum is truly an honor and a gift. I absolutely love and adore our beautiful daughter. She is the love of my life and I cant believe I get the honor of raising her and being in her presence everyday. She has already taught me so much, she is the best example of pure love and joy. I feel so lucky.
Motherhood flows so naturally for me now, now being being the key word. It feels so perfectly comfortable and authentic, I love it. I feel like I have been her mama forever, we've just been waiting for life to line up. And now she's here, my little girl, the love of my life, the light at the end of the tunnel.
Heres the thing....Like most moms, postpartum was hard, I really struggled when Mason went back to work. I think being alone with all of the uncontrollable thoughts, hormones, sleep deprivation, isolation, no adult interaction, and a new baby that naturally demanded all the attention rocked my world.
I craved Masons affection and desperately needed some love, we had officially been dating only a year when Leo was born and I really struggled with the foundation of my relationship during the weak, sleep deprived, insecure moments. There are so many elements of your life that get shaken when you have a newborn. And although Mace and I have a magical relationship my insecurities came to the surface and made me question my role in both of their lives. I began to be filled with fear and I projected my past onto my present.
Looking back now, I get it. The magic of motherhood to me is pure selflessness matched with a strong sense of self and self love. Its being able to surrender fully and push past the exhaustion to give everything to someone else. Its being an example of strength, grace, and love. Looking back now I understand that I needed to be pushed to the ultimate limit to be able to handle the tougher times moving forward with total grace. But during those sensitive, weak, insecure times filled with anxiety, confusion, and again...sleep deprivation and hormones. I really just needed some love, some time, and some sleep and it felt like none of that was possible.
It was hard, I definitely struggled and it felt like all of my demons, even the ones I thought had moved on had came back to haunt me. My ugliest self came out and nothing changed until I stopped fighting it and hating it. I have been able to grow and learn from it, move past it, and blossom from it. In turn I have become a better mom, a better partner, and a better me.
After having a baby your chemistry is different, your hormones are wonky, your priorities have shifted, your entire life essentially changes. On top of that you are different, your relationship is different and theres this little person that depends on you 100% of the time and deserves all of your love, attention, and energy. In the beginning it is so overwhelming and difficult to find that balance of taking care of yourself, your relationship, the house, your career, and your little baby. It just felt like there wasn't enough energy to do it all.
After a complete mental breakdown I met with my midwife, I just cried during my visit, I felt horrible for not truly loving it all.
We had a really great chat, she let me know it was ok and shared her experience along with many other moms who felt the same. She prescribed me at least 5 hours of sleep every night, 10MG of Celexa and told me to do something that was for me, something I was passionate about. I needed to rediscover myself and find the me in motherhood.
Mason and I talked when I got home and he just held me. He has been really great about communicating with me and inspiring me to find my way rather than just doing it for me or allowing me to feel helpless.
We decided to start hiking every weekend and spend hours up in the mountains to unwind and just play. I pushed through the exhaustion during the week and started taking Leo out and about. We spent time with family and friends, went to the park, took daily walks, sat on the deck, etc...Any excuse to get out we took it.
I stopped breastfeeding because this caused A LOT of stress, pain, and frustration - I refused to feel guilty about it because it was a personal decision thats worked better for our family. I began to adjust to the lack of sleep and over time Leo and I had our routine down. Mason was helping me get at least 5 hours every night and eventually Leo started sleeping through the night!
My attitude changed over time and things got better every day. It began to feel natural and easy. As she started making noises and smiling things started to get really fun. Everyday began to feel like an adventure with my baby girl, what were we going to discover that day? I fell in love with her curiosity for life and as she observed the world I observed her. I began to feel so inspired by her outlook on everything. Its fascinating watching someone learn to live.
By 3 months we had a bad ass routine, she was sleeping 6-8 hours through the night and it was time for me to go back to work. I struggled with the decision to go back, it made my sad because I loved our time together. She had been with me for 3 months + the 9 she was in my tummy. How the hell was I going to go the whole day without seeing her?
At that time I had become so obsessed and dependent on her energy, her love, and her smiles. My life had become all about her, at that time the struggle was being without her for longer than 30 min.
It makes me laugh how much changes within just 3 months. At first I resisted motherhood, now I couldn't get enough of it. I didn't know how to be without her.
I ended up going back to work part time, which has ended up being a really good balance for us. I love my job and I adore my co workers, I feel so accomplished and supported at work. It has been great!
Mace and I are closer than ever, we communicate well and we confide in each other a lot. We make a great team and I am really proud of my family.
We still have the occasional sleepless night, typical relationship fights, and rough days from time to time but things are solid and most days I feel great.
I have grown and matured so much in just a short 5 months and I know I have a lifetime of blossoming ahead of me.
Last week I hit another breaking point and started re doing my house. I needed change, I craved it.
I completed re-arranged everything in our apartment. Threw out a shit ton of clothes, sorted drawers, organized my closet, decorated for fall etc...I set up my zen den again, because I need meditation in my life.
I have also been building content for my blog for about a month or two and I am now in a place where I can start posting and sharing consistently again.
I ended up hitting this point where I felt like it was time for rediscovery and recreation. I edited my blog layout, created a logo, and started writing again.
Its time. I have taken steps the last few weeks to find the me in motherhood. Its taken time and I have had to do little bits every day with the little time I have but I need it. Creation and creativity is crucial for my happiness. I have now successful found a good balance...
I can be Leo's mama, Masons babe, and Magnolia Rose.
Although we have come to an end with this post I will NEVER stop recreating myself. This is just the beginning and I feel so optimistic and ready. I hope you guys dig the blog layout, I feel good about it and I am excited about the direction things are headed.
For all you new mamas out there, struggling with postpartum, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, love you baby with everything you can. Just do your best everyday.
Communicate with your loved ones, get outside and I promise there will be a day where you feel like you have a balance.
Being a mom is tough but it is so rewarding and women are so truly amazing.
Send me a message if you need support, I am here for you. I know how it is, I get it.
I love you and am sending you all amazing vibes.