As many of you know, 2015 was a complete shit storm. It has been one of those topics I have really struggled talking about. I've given up on editing my 2015 year end video.
March 2015 was where it all started. We have come full circle and I finally feel like I can breathe again. With the closing of a very difficult chapter and the beginning of a new one I will share what I feel comfortable with sharing.
So for those wondering what the fuck happened last year and for my future self when I am in need of a kick ass reminder of how strong I am, heres the sweetened version I am comfortable sharing.
April 19th my sweet grandmother left this earth, she was taken from us too soon & in the worst way. The month leading up to her death she was kept isolated from her family. That was a struggle. Since her death its been the worst nightmare.
My grandma was the best influence in my life, she was both a mother and a father to me. She took me in when I had no one, she taught me to drive, took me to school, and was the greatest example of unconditional love. I miss her everyday.
With all sorts of drama in court along with the chaos of my life, the grieving hasnt even really been explored. Denial is about the only thing I can handle until things settle down for me to take a break.
June 9th I lost Josh. Nothing is worse than being committed to someone who isn't committed to you.
I learned that I had been living in an illusion for three years with this person I didnt even know. I was abandoned by my husband in 2012 and didn't even know it. The last three years was a lie. Our bond was a lie. Our relationship was a lie.
Over the summer months I had mono and spent my time mostly sleeping. I was totally isolated trying to protect him from his own embarrassment. I was unable to talk to anyone about what was going on with my relationship.
August I realized that I needed to switch jobs. I was working part time so I could focus on my blog and my YouTube channel. I promised myself that if by March 2016 shit wasn't different I was moving on. The year mark of when shit first hit the fan just made sense to me. I got a full time job in September so that IF I needed to support myself I could.
November 5th I was hospitalized. Stress really does fabulous things to your body. While laying in the hospital looking at this total stranger and having plenty of time to ponder what the fuck had happened to my life I had accepted that things were never going to be the same again. I realized I no longer felt the same for this person that I had committed to and that I really just didn't want to be alive anymore. I had lost the two most important relationships just months from each other. I was totally miserable and totally alone.
December I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. After my trip to the hospital, medication was something that needed to be explored. My Dr suggested starting me on Celexa. For those that know me, I have always taken a really natural approach to my healthcare so the whole process was really intimidating but so far my experience has been absolutely wonderful.
The holidays were a great break for me. It was a month of great distraction. The meds had kicked in enough that my panic attacks had stopped, I was sleeping and eating again, and with the break from work I was able to really re charge my battery.
January as usual had a great momentum and Josh and I had a really great month.
But then March came...and nothing but me had really changed.
Meds and hope for something that doesn't exist can only last so long. You cant make someone change. And there had been that year mark in the back of my mind. I had already lost myself in someone and had put aside my morals and fully abandoned my self in the process. There is no way I could continue down that path. I have no desire to continue to sacrifice myself for someone stuck in their own bad habits.
By March the universe was literally pushing me to move on. Everyday felt like I had been sitting in an over crowded claustrophobic airplane with sweaty people that dont shower and babies crying for far too long. I wanted off of this plane ride BAD.
I spent so much time in prayer asking for guidance and signs clinging to my spirituality for strength to leave. The amount of support I received was completely insane and totally overwhelming.
At this time, I was also participating in the May Cause Miracles challenge of replacing fear with love. That book really put shit into perspective for me. Fear is what kept me in my relationship, it was the only thing we really had in the end. Josh and I got together when we were just babies, we grew up together, we "needed" each other. Our passion was fed by survival.
Between my commitment to self love and happiness, the consistent love and support from the universe, and that book - I ruled out the fear of moving on and leaving him. By the end of March I officially said goodbye to my husband.
So divorce wise...We are having a very civil divorce because that is what we both are committed to. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be if we hated each other. Splitting everything, dividing debt, selling our house, and completing paperwork is difficult enough. I am grateful that Josh and I (despite our differences) still care about each other and want the other to find happiness.
We have definitely had our ups and downs throughout this process, I think its natural to let yourself go a little crazy when you no longer have any commitment or desire to make things work. But we're keeping it civil.
I have moved out to a lovely home with the best roommate you could ask for. Ive got a deck to do yoga on, my room is complete with the very best vibes, and I have so much love and support. I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.
I have been through a lot but I refuse to play the victim. Life is an opportunity and I am grateful for everything I have been through. It is all part of my growth on my personal journey.
And that my cute friends is my drama.