Around this time last year I had a dream about my daughter.
The dream was a short clip of my baby girl running up a hill from the point of view of her dad.
Shes gorgeous with messy dirty blonde hair and the cutest pair of overalls. I reach out and grab her hand, I've got on a dress. We're in a field of sun flowers and it's perfect outside.
At the time I had this dream my life was very different from today and I really didn't know what to make of the dream. I was on the fence of a failing marriage - miserable, confused and diagnosed with depression.
In times of struggle it's hard to focus on the positive. When we're in pain things like growth, change, and any possible positive outcome feels more like a hypothetical. My spirituality, creativity, and daily dose of Celexa kept me a float. This dream of my daughter and a strong faith in the universe kept me hopeful.
When the new year hit it became very clear to me that I was being pushed out of my current life and into a new one.
Nothing made sense anymore and trying to make sense of what made no sense began to no longer make sense, if that makes sense?
Surrender is a funny concept but it seems to be one that consistently works for many. At least that's what all my Self Help books suggest and my many gurus seem to share. What's even crazier is that this method of letting go works. As soon as I let go of what I thought my life should be, everything started falling into place (naturally with no effort).
I met Mason during this detox time of release. I had just come out of two years of hell, rediscovered/recreated myself, and finally said said goodbye to the final piece. Mason is my greatest manifestation - a complete answer to a prayer.
From day one we just made sense, its always felt right. With Mason every moment feels like magic. I'm in a constant state of euphoria and im experiencing feelings and emotions I've never experienced before. Surprisingly his gorgeous brown eyes, empathetic soul, and amazing sense of humor don't actually have much to do with it.
It's how I feel about him. Every time I look at him, think of him, or cuddle him I feel equally grounded and on cloud nine. We have a strong intuitive connection that sends warm electricity all over my body and also makes me feel totally calm, safe, and at home. Feelings I've NEVER experienced before - definitely the kind of things you hear in romance novels, from the cheeseballs of the world, and maybe my grandma. I actually roll my eyes at how cheesy it all sounds.
By July we were pregnant. A total surprise and complete life changer.
Being pregnant is hard, the symptoms are real intense and worse than anything I've ever experienced. After a trip to the ER I was told I had hyperemisis and was put on a home IV with a picc line.
A switch to a hyperemesis specific medication made all the difference! Diclegis is a mega miracle drug and much safer than Zofran.
Although I am very proud that I have mastered the art of throwing up in a cup while driving and successfully keeping my eye on the road. I am very grateful to be eating, gaining weight, and feeling like myself again!
By week 17/18 the nightmare of my very miserable pregnancy seemed to be over! I am now very much enjoying my pregnancy.
I love that baby is popping and my belly looks less like pizza bloat and more like a baby. The flutters are fun, baby is very active and constantly moving. Cravings have definitely kicked in and I pee like every 12 minutes.
We've been waiting for what feels like forever to find out what we're having. Knowing the gender makes it feel like more of a reality. As much as I don't believe in gender stereotypes and my baby can and will be whomever it is in this world - knowing the gender puts a personality and a face to our baby as welll as this whole experience.
A few weeks ago Mace and I were talking about what we hoped for and how crazy finding out the gender would be. I said I felt like it was a girl, he said he just wanted it to be healthy but he shared this vision/thought with me that was particularly interesting. He said had this thought about our daughter running through a field of sunflowers in her overalls. I was wearing a dress and I reached out and grabbed her hand.
As familiar to Masons magic that I have become and our out of this world connection, hearing him share the EXACT details from my dream a year ago blew my mind and brought me to tears.
From day one I have felt like this baby is a girl. Female just felt right and our confirmation was to crazy for it not to be a girl.
Today I hit 20 weeks! Today was special. Mace and I OFFICIALLY found out we are having a baby girl!!!
She is totally healthy, developing beautifully and we could not be more excited!
Life is an absolute miracle. Seeing it come together after years of horror is magical and Mason is a blessing. He is the love of my life and I am so grateful to be where I am today.
Regardless of what you believe in, I think it's important to remember that we are always being guided and sometimes time is what is needed for chaos to make sense. Letting go is key to allowing magic to happen and for miracles to naturally fall into place.
Much love sweet ones!